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NONASSERTIVENESS TRAINING AND THE FEMALE STRESS SYNDROME: STRESS AND THE SINGLES SCENE

Talk to a few single career women, and you will probably hear stories similar to Mickie's.

Mickie was single, successful, and sexual. She was twenty-nine years old, however, and beginning to feel alone. Not lonely, she explained; alone. She wanted a partner. She wanted to meet a man who could join her and share in her life. Perhaps marry. Perhaps have children.

But Mickie was having a hard time. She found men she could "adopt." Men who would make great "wives." Men who would "take her away from hard work and competition." Men who would "take care" of her. Men who truly believed she wanted to be "dominated." And men who truly believed that she wanted to "mother" them. What she could not find was a man who believed her when she said she wanted a partner.

She was successful and loved her work. This made many men feel competitive. She was sexual and yet discriminating. This made many men feel anxious about "performance." She was mature and intelligent. This made many men feel self-conscious. She was self-supporting and financially secure. This made many men feel inadequate.

Mickie's story has a happy ending. She met a man who enjoyed her just as she had wanted to be enjoyed. Her independence was a bonus to him, not an escape from responsibility and not a threat. They are still living happily ever after, arguing about politics rather than about her achievements.

Not all such stories end so well, however. An achieving woman who harbors both fear of failure and fear of success tends to find herself devastated by male rejection, great or small. She blames herself for unsuccessful affairs. She retreats before her partner can. She "obsesses" so much about past problems and future fantasies that, often, she cannot let things be. She may sabotage the relationships herself in order to explain possible failures or to avoid the responsibility of success.

In fact, the achieving single woman has only two options if she is interested in meeting men, neither of them very satisfactory. First, she can be socially nonassertive: that is, she can wait for men to telephone, ask her out to dinner, or initiate sexual advances. Or she can be socially assertive. That is, she can telephone men, invite them for dinner, and initiate sexual advances. The former option can make women feel powerless and stressed; the latter can make them feel vulnerable and stressed. Either way, they are single and stressed!

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